I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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