I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
