If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
