why didn't you poke me back
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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