just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
