so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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