mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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