Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize