My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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