So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
