Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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