Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
