I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
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We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
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You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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