sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
