Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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