Sry I called you an 8
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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