I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
