Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
