i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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