the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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