Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
