ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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