I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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