Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
where does the pee come out of this thing
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You pole danced in your parka.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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