I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
