hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
