I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
