the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
