I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
