GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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