I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
