You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
