i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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