Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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