do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
