I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
