i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I am available for nakedness
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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