i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
