Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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