And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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