In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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