as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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