Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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