Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
