She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
