I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
