Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
