I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
