She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
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I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
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I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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