i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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