finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
