Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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