She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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