If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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