I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
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Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
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I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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