My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
