Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
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